June 15, 2010

Character interview blogfest

Somewhere in blogland, the seven o'clock news has run through all of the important stuff and is preparing to wind down with the obligatory human-interest story.

Onscreen, you see a mustached man with a carefully styled and spray-frozen hairdo. He is sporting a loud aubergine nylon suit with as much ease as his affected smile, trademarks of the veteran anchorman.

Ron Burgundy: "...And now lets go to our foreign correspondent, Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, who is in Atlanta with very special report.”

A beautiful, fair-skinned, dark haired, and clearly non-Asian young woman holding a mike appears on screen.

Ron: “Tricia, what happened? You aren’t Asian anymore!"

Ezo: "Ezo C. Mortucan here. Unfortunately Tricia Takanawa was detained in the traffic caused by madwoman getting hit as she chased a publisher across the-"

Ron’s voice, speaking loud enough to cover Ezo’s voice completely: "What happened to Tricia? Her hair looks dark and delicious, like curly delicious black chocolate I would eat with relish. What’s that you say? My name is not Mike! I am Ron! What are you-”

Someone turns Ron’s mike off.

An efficient woman’s voice: “Co-anchor Veronica Corningstone here, I’m sorry Ezo, could you repeat that, we had trouble hearing you because of technical difficulties.”

Ezo: “As I was saying, I’m here at the Philips Arena in Atlanta Georgia with a trio simply known as “the neopenguins”. The neopenguins are starring in a highly successful theatre piece called “Special Delivery For Kass” and have been kind enough to take some time off from their busy rehearsing schedule to answer some of our questions.”

The camera pans off of Ezo and onto three empty seats.

Ezo, too much of a professional to be flustered: “The Neopenguins appear to be eating gum off of the bottom of the chairs…", holding out a packet of triple fresh peppermint gum, " If you’d like to come up and answer some questions, I’ll give you some of this new gum.”

One purple mohawk followed by a pair of mirrored ray-bans appears over the backrest of one of the chairs. The neopenguin spies Ezo’s gum in her outstretched hand, and leaps over the chair in an effort to get to it first as its companions come bursting from beneath the other two chairs. The chairs go flying in a flurry of penguins hastily scrambling to get gum. Though there are only three of them, the scrabbling penguins look like a frantically writhing wave of wings and webbed feet charging toward Ezo who, with trained reflexes of an experienced field reporter, quickly tosses the packet of gum into the air and steps away. The penguins promptly start a three-way wrestling match, complete with impressions of the three stooges.

The camera stays on the penguins.

Ezo’s voice off screen over the sounds of scuffling penguins: “Regular penguins are flightless birds that live in the southern hemisphere… But no one seems to know where the neo penguins came from; their origins are shrouded in mystery. As you can see by the way they are pulling on each other’s Mohawks, they seem real. We have first hand witnesses who report having seen them fly. They seem to be perfectly cognizant of human speech and have demonstrated high levels of intelligence and yet, they often seem to act in… Unpredictable ways. So what is the truth behind this mysterious trio? I suspect we aren’t going to find out by asking them, because speech is not one of their many skills. I for one place little stock in the theory stating that they come from outer-space and that their purpose in life is to battle moon bears and the intergalactic wizard alliance. But who knows? This was Ezo Mortucan reporting for Blogland news, back to you Ron.”

Ron: “There you have it folks, that was non-Asian Tricia Takanawa reporting about something that concerns us all.”

Veronica: “Indeed… And that concludes tonight’s 7o’clock news. For the entire Channel 4 news team, I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Ron: “You stay classy, blogland. This is Ron Burgundy?”
Scenes shifts to the dark control room. Veronica and Ron can be seen through the pane of sound proof glass smiling insults at one another as the credits roll.
Chief editor: "Dammit. Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?"
This blogfest was brought to you by Sangu, from "Echoes of a wayward mind".