May 18, 2010

Under the gables (7/10)

“And who might you be? Good lord, you’re filthy. Come inside and get cleaned up.” This was clearly an order, not a question.
I bridled at being bossed around but felt too tired both emotionally and physically to argue the issue.
“Hello ma’am, my name is Jamie Carter… Did you see where the man who was here a second ago went?”
“Young lady, there ain’t nobody out here but yourself.” She said sternly as she gingerly took me by the elbow and led me inside.

   The inside was clean but strangely barren and utterly devoid of any modern convenience. The furniture was sparse and there was a complete absence of decorations. The over all effect of the interior reminded me of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. As the old woman led me to small room she presented herself as Mrs. Nanaac, a widower who had “been round these parts since a goodly long time before you were born, missy.” She left me alone in the room to warm some water on the wood-burning stove and to get me a small glass of something to warm me up “I know likker’s a sin, but I keep some around fer medicinal purposes.” I was pondering the events of the past few days when what I finally pinpointed what Mrs. Naanac’s interior had reminded me of: it reminded of the uneasy artificiality and blandness that had I felt when I visited model homes for a piece I wrote a few years back.

   That was when the old lady returned with a tray bearing a basin and a ewer of steaming water and a small glass of green liquid.
“Alright, you have a nip o’spirits, and tend to your washing up.”
“Thank you ma’am. Um, I don’t suppose you or any of your neighbors would happen to have a telephone?”
“A what? I reckon you oughta ask ole Mr. Jebediah about that as soon as you're rested up.”

   I shrugged and took a sip from the glass, it tasted like moonshine mixed with herbs and paint thinner. Not bad on the whole. I had another sip but quickly sat down feeling dizzy, the old woman was staring fixedly at me. I could feel myself begin to drift asleep, but before passing out, I saw the woman approach and sniff me in a manner not unakin to that of a dog looking for a scent. I could hear the old woman was mumbling to herself about night time not coming soon enough as she rifled my clothes, stopping every now and then to sniff what she was doing, I dimly heard her screech in triumph and she pulled the whistle from the pocket I had hid it in. My last thought before blacking out was to wonder if dying was the last thing I was going to do.

16 comments:

  1. WOW! Great blog and great writing :)

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  2. Hello Saumya. Heheh, thank you glad you're enjoying it.
    It's like the kinder egg advertisement: "Chocolate, a toy, and a surprise!" ; j

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  3. At first I wondered if it was Absinthe.;) Very clever, now I am even more intrigued by the whistle. I wonder if these people are werewolves...
    Thank you for clarifying the French comment for me yesterday.;)
    ;)
    xoxo

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  4. "...wonder if dying was the last thing I was going to do." - love this

    unakin - love this

    I find I want to shout things at Jamie as I'm reading, "Don't do it. Don't drink the green stuff." - oh well, too late.

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  5. I wonder about the significance of the whistle.
    Great ending! Now I'll have to wait for the next installment.

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  6. @Zuzana: Nice call... The picture is for sure. I doubt what Jamie got was Absinthe though, if it was, I'm sure it had little something extra.

    Werewolves? That's a very good guess, but off the mark. Werewolves are child's play compared to the horrors that lurk in Chiwsip! Mwahaha. ; j

    You're quite welcome! You didn't need to thank me twice... It was nothing.
    -
    @Kass: Yeah, I regret I can't claim to have invented that one... Those were, reportedly, Groucho Marx's last words, which he in turn lifted from a classical source (can't recall which).
    Ha! I'm delighted you feel like shouting at Jamie. I was wondering if anyone would care about her as she descended into the abyss. That you care enough to want to shout at her is immensely pleasing. : j
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    @Theresa: Maybe it's just a MacGuffin? ; j Yeah, even I am getting a little irritated at this serial format, I want to find out what happens next!: P
    But then it has its advantages: it's a doable amount to do daily basis and it lets me tell a story that won't fit in a one-shot Polaroid.

    It's a different experience compared to lazily writing whatever I feel like. All of a sudden I am writing for the readers as much if not more than for myself. All of a sudden I have to give a bit of thought to getting the parts out on time and where the story goes. It's interesting...

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  7. Great excerpt- very polished and intriguing- I couldn't guess what the sniffing was about but it sounded evil in any case!lol Good stuff!

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  8. LOL - Love how you followed "moonshine mixed with herbs and paint thinner" with "not bad". HA! You're awesome, Alesa :D (And you totally song-bombed me with Woolly Bully, by the way. THANKS. :D)

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  9. I agree with Zoe, I think the "moonshine mixed with herbs and paint thinner" was my favourite line. Such an original description!

    The second line "This was clearly an order, not a question" is unnecessary, I think, mostly because you follow up the opening question with what is very obvious to the reader as an order.

    Glad to have you back!

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  10. Just an unrelated comment, in case you don't see my reply to you on my blog: I've changed the post date of the Character Interview Blogfest to the 15th of June, so you don't have to get your post done this week!

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  11. Jeeze, I hope she doesn't wind up as dinner! All that sniffing like an animal on the scent of a meal. Husband and I stopped at a winery and the prevailing scent of each wine was akin to paint thinner. Needless to say, we didn't buy any.

    Great story!

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  12. Jeez, the sniffing is really creepy! Like Kass I was shouting 'don't drink that stuff' but Jamie didn't hear me.

    I think you must mean: 'as soon as you're rested up' rather than 'your' unless I've failed to make a connection.

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  13. Alors tu habites en Hawaii? Ton histoire me donne la chair de poule – cette vieille a l’air bien menacente. J’attend le reste de l’histoire….

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  14. Aloha Creepy! Polished? Wow I'm amazed it gives that impression! Mostly these parts tend to get hastily written before sleeping, reread twice, read to my lover once and wham, online. : j
    I'm not sure what the sniffing is about... I guess Mrs. Nanaac has an exceptional sense of smell. Or something. Thanks for the praise. : j
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    Heya Zoe! It makes you wonder what Jamie usually drinks... As a former professional in the news industry, you have ideas? ; j
    Song bomb? is that chunking a quarter into your mental juke box and pressing the buttons for a song?
    Ha, no no no. You're awesome. : 7
    Cheers!
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    Heya Sangu.
    Ha! Funny how that line seems to have worked for people. Sometimes it surprises me which lines please. : j

    Hmm... I think it is necessary. The intonation in which the first sentence was said could have made it a warm invitation rather than an order. Having the narrator say it was an order shows that however it was said, she felt it as an order. That's my opinion, at any rate. I wonder what everyone else thought.
    As usual, thanks for giving me constructive criticism. Much appreciated. : j
    And thanks, glad to be back! Though this week is a real whirlwind! Work and stuff going in all directions.

    Yeah, I had noticed your reply on your blog. : j
    That most convenient, I'll put up a sidebar announcement to your blogfest in the very near future.
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    Howdy Annie! Maybe you should have gotten some and checked how it performed as paint thinner?
    Thanks for following the story.
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    Oh wow! Hello Eryl! Great to see you!
    Jamie didn't hear you? I wouldn't bet on that.. : j
    Och! You're right of course, it is supposed to be "you're"... Talk about an eyesore. That's pretty high on my list of most horrible common mistakes, with their and there. Shudder. Thanks for catching that and for spending some of your precious blog time on my story. : D
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    Aloha Vagabonde!
    J'allais te demander ce qui t’avais donné l'impression que je venais de Hawaii… Puis j’ai réalisé que j’avais commencé ce "comment" par te saluer avec Aloha.
    Nonon, c’est une habitude qui me reste de l’époque où j’habitais en Californie… Actuellement, j’habite à Paname dans le 17e.
    Oui, elle l’est vraiment. Le peintre a remarquablement bien réussi à donner une expression à ce portrait.
    La suite est parue, les morceaux sortent quotidiennement. : j
    Merci de ta visite.

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  15. Ah yes, I see what you mean about emphasizing the intonation. I think we pick it up anyway, but it's always better to err on the side of clarity rather than too little of it.

    Oooh hey, just saw the announcement in your sidebar! Thanks for that!

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  16. Not everyone is as sharp as you are. ; j
    Nothing to it, you're welcome.

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