He looked at me intently with an unreadable expression on his fine featured face.
"This is where we part ways." he declared with a smirk.
"What? Where are you going?"
"As I said, I have an instrument to retrieve and business to attend to."
"Um... So what should I do now?" I asked uncertainly.
This question seemed to amuse him tremendously, and there was something almost menacing in his soft laughter.
"That is entirely up to you, but I may help you depending on how you answer my question... What is it you want the most?”
I was tempted to answer something flip but the gravity of demeanour and something in the uncanny gleaming of his dark eyes made me rethink that course of action, made me seriously consider his seemingly random question.
“I think… I want the whole story. I want to know the truth.”
He laughed his soft unsettling laugh again, and something in the way light played on his features made his face seem older, less delicate and somehow more regal.
“You amuse me… I want you to take this.”
With a prestidigitator’s flourish he produced a small cream coloured cylinder, which he held out dangling from a loop of string. I took it reflexively and looked down to examine the object. It was whistle. One built from ivory or perhaps bone… It was curiously warm to the touch and engraved with a complex pattern that made your eyes hurt if you stared at it. When I looked up he was gone. Glancing around produced no trace of him.
As if on cue, the front door of the nearest house opened. A somber faced old woman who seemed to have gotten her fashion sense from the 19th century walked out…
Painting by Sandor Bihari
Ooooo. Be careful what you wish for. The truth is....not always kind.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant way to end the piece, especially with that picture!
ReplyDeleteYou use some great descriptions to convey to us that his guide's not necessarily to be trusted (he "smirks", for example. Nice people so rarely smirk!).
I wonder if the line "He laughed his soft unsettling laugh again" would have even better effect if it ran something like "He laughed softly again, and I shuddered". Describing the narrator's physical reaction would show us that it's unsettling.
Town houses but no town, Talrayn, a time-warp old lady, and, one can't but remember, his (potentially) evil boss who gave him no choice but to go to Chiwsip. I'm being reminded of Henry James and wondering how reliable is this narrator especially as we already know he wants his big story. Compelling stuff.
ReplyDeleteJust one small thing regarding: 'Um... So what should I do now?' both parts of this convey uncertainty so I'm not sure you need the 'uncertainly' after 'I asked'. Having already shown us he is uncertain you might hope we don't need to be told, is what I mean.
@Annie: Ain't that the truth? ; j
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@Sangu: Yeah this piece was a bit rushed... I wrote it at work during a "cigarette break" (I don't smoke). It's been a crazy day, you may have noticed the post going up later. That's why it ends like that, I needed something percussive and leading to hide the abrupt ending and switch.
Nice people rarely smirk? Eeep. I guess I've blown my cover, I smirk all the time! : 7
Hmm... I see your point and while I agree with reasoning and the principle behind it... In this specific case a shudder is more than Jamie feels, it's more a vague unease, an unsettling (yes I could find another word and still follow the principle but->). Also, that bit is turned thus in part for the way it reads aloud (alteration in S)- which is rarely a good guide in writing.
Thanks for the pointer... but on this one, I think I'm leaving it as is, though of course I may be wrong, I prefer it as is (Well, mostly as is: I'm changing slightly it. You're right it could read better).
Thanks for taking the time to read my pieces and to comment about the writing. It's much appreciated!
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@Eryl: Hey there! Darn you were paying attention! ; j
I was hoping to surprise everyone with Marley (the boss) later on.
I had to google Henry James... As far as I can from the bio, I think I'm headed in a very different direction.
I agree the triple uncertainty is a bit redundant. Changed it. Thank you for reading my pieces and paying attention to whats going, and not just commenting on the story but on the writing as well. I appreciate it very much.
I love searching around for perfect quotes and I have a feeling you're the same with pictures.
ReplyDeleteWill this old woman be older than should be possible? What will the protagonist find out? I love your endings because they always raise questions.
Hello again Theresa! It's been fun bumping into you all morning. But this is the last time, it's 4am and I'm calling it quits for tonight/this morning.
ReplyDeleteI have a guideline, no more than five minutes per idea to grab a picture. If I don't find a bone whistle in five minutes, I look for an old lady. Otherwise it can take forever! : j
Heheh! I think that's part of writing serially... Writing in relatively self standing chunks, giving enough to satisfy in one chunk, but also announcing the next part so that you want to read the next bit... I'm still working on the balance.
BTW, this is just a kindly old lady... She has a basket of apples and a can of mace. Or maybe not. : j
That painting looks very eerie.;)
ReplyDeleteNow I am curious what the whistle is all about.;)
xo
You're welcome. I only ever point out things that jump out and interrupt the flow of the story for me, rather than search for niggles. So there is rarely anything to report as your writing does its job which is all, I think, one can ask for as a reader.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of James's novella The Turn of the Screw which can be read as a straight (and rather terrifying) ghost story or a study of (equally terrifying) insanity. Just because, at the moment, your story could go several ways and is rather ghostly.
@Zuzana: Yeah I'm kind of wondering the same thing... It sounded like a good idea at the time though. : p
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@Eryl: I know you do... That's one of the reasons I love your comments so much. While I don't always agree, I always see your point and your point is reliably well reasoned. It's great!
Hmm... Interesting. I'll have to add that to my endless list of books to read. : j